My Attack Part 1

Where to start? Well, I guess the beginning would be a good place to start. The beginning of what? The beginning of the relationship, the beginning of the end, or the beginning of the trauma that lead me to where I am now in my life? Well, I guess it all pretty well leads to where I am now and to understand how I got here one would need to know where I was before now, so the beginning of the relationship it is.


I met Nathan Phipps on August 29, 2006. I was 6 and a half months pregnant with my youngest daughter, RyAnn, at the time. Lacie introduced us because we both wanted to take the same guy out the following weekend. I made her a deal if she could find me a date for my cousins wedding then she could take Ian to the Dayton Rodeo. That is where Nathan and I's long and tumultuous relationship began.

Everything went pretty well for the first few months, or at least I thought at the time, but now looking back he began trying to control me from the beginning. Only a few weeks into the relationship he was trying to talk me out of getting my own place and into moving in with him so that we could spend all of our time together. He was having a problem with RyAnn's father going to the doctors appointments. He tried to make me choose between my best friend of almost 15 years and him. I told him that he wouldn't like my decision. My friends were there before him and they will be there after him if he wants to keep up that attitude. He was even trying to assert his control over the smallest little things like what king of cigarettes I smoked or what kind of pop I drank.

In mid-March of 2009 I found out that when Neil was late coming to the hospital when RyAnn was born Nathan kicked him out after I had already gone down for surgery to have RyAnn. That made me very angry and hurt that he would do something like that. He took something away from Neil that he would never get back and that was to be there for the birth of his oldest child. That, consequently, led to Neil thinking that RyAnn was not his child. Therefore, he all but abandoned her the first 16 months of her life. that, I have learned, was part of Nathans plan all along. His wife had left him and he wanted a new family. I had a ready made one for him with two kids of my own and wanting a third one eventually.

After RyAnn was born was when it started getting really bad. She was about a week old when Nathan went to the hospital for the surgery of his stepson. When he came home was when he told me that he wanted his wife back. He then began trying to convince me to call her and tell her that I had feelings for him but he did not feel the same way for me and that we had not been having sex. I could not bring myself to do that. I cared too much for him and as a woman I could not lie to her and make her believe there was nothing going on when there really was. This is the point, when looking back, that I should of walked away. There were so many other times before this that I should have but this is the one that really sticks out in my mind. Why didn't I? Well, amongst other reasons I didn't have anywhere for me and my one week old daughter to go. So, I stuck it out dealing with that, my baby blues, my oldest daughter living with my parents, my good friend going through her divorce, and just life in general.

Eventually, things started getting better. Nathan accepted the divorce, I started school, and he decided that he wanted to be "Daddy" to RyAnn, we got our own place, and he started getting visitation with his kids. I thought things were looking up in my life. Oh Boy was I wrong. The worst was only yet to come.

After three or so visits with his kids Crystal called and accused Nathan of molesting the kids. I didn't believe that he could do something like that or it could happen in my home under my own nose. Boy was I wrong. I didn't actually find out the full truth until much later after I called it quits with him for the final time.

We moved to Fort Dodge with Lacie's mom when we lost our duplex because Nathan refused to get a job. I was driving back and forth to school. The longer I was with Nathan the worse my grades were getting because he refused to leave me along and let me do my homework. All he could do is complain because I was spending too much time with my kids and my homework and not enough time with him.

That is when I finally decided enough is enough and when I got my fall financial aid I was going to buy Lacie's trailer from her and leave him. Everyone knew about it but him. However, when the time came to move I got soft and brought him with me because he had no where to go. Yet another mistake that I made and another time that I had fallen victim to his manipulation.

He swore again that things would change and that things would be different. Well, they were different, he got worse. I then began going to school full time, working full time, being a full time mom and "wife." I even had his friends that we were living with tell me to just say the word and they would kick him out. But I just couldn't do that because I thought I loved him and wanted to be with him. That is when I found out he was cheating on me with a girl he worked with. He was using RyAnn to do so. They were setting up "play-dates" and while the kids were playing they were in the next room having sex. I was so angry, hurt, crushed and numb all at the same time. Yet, I still stayed with him.....why, I do not know.

We then got our own place again...I was smart this time though I got the lease in only my name. I was getting to the point of it being over and I knew it. this was March of 2008. This was also around the time that he was diagnosed as Bi-Polar. that was something he continued to uses as an excuse and as a crutch to make people feel sorry for him. It didn't work with me though, I also have a mental disorder, depression, and I continued to live my life as a normal productive member of society and I felt that he should do the same. that was another source of fighting between us. We kept up the bickering and fighting all the way up until August when I had finally had enough and at Lacie and Jerads BBQ I just got up and walked home. I told him it was over and he needed to "pack his shit and get the fuck out."

Apparently he had trouble with this concept because it took him two days to do so. Every time I left he still wanted to know what I was doing and where I was going. I refused to tell him. He finally left, but that was not the end of things by far. He was very persistent he kept coming over and wanting to talk about things and try to fix things. I was also very persistent in the fact that it was over. But eventually I got sick of saying no and just gave in. During the time that we were split up I dated one guy briefly and that is also when I met Tony.

I began texting Tony about mid to the end of September. He was my sister, Amber's roommate. We talked off and on quite a bit for a while then Nathan managed to wear down my defenses and convinced me to let him back in. I told him that it would be his very last chance. And it was. Over the next several months I continued working and going to school. In January he decided he was going back to school as well. At the end of January when we got our financial aid refunds and tax returns we went shopping and moved into a bigger apartment. This is also when we bought a car from my friends Steve and Laurie. I had a very, we will call it, unintelligent moment. When I registered the car I put it in both of our names.

That brings us to the end of February, beginning of March when things finally got really bad. I had made my decision that it was over once and for all. I waited until RyAnn had left for the weekend to her Dad's, and that is when I was going to tell him that it was over and he had until Sunday night to get out, because I wanted him gone before she came home on Monday night. That is when I kinda started to chicken out. Then my friend Misty called and wanted me to come and hang out with her at the bar. So I said sure I'll change and be up there. I changed my shirt and hair sprayed my hair back out of my face and that is when Nathan began his jealousy. He told me I wasn't going and I said I was. That is when he proceeded to follow me to the bar. I then made the conscience decision to ignore him. And I told my friends what I had decided. He came up to me and asked me if he could have a drink. I told him he would have to talk to the bartender on that one because I was not the one making the drinks. He said he didn't have any money and wanted me to buy him one. I said nope sorry as far as I am concerned you are not here. A little while later I told him that we were done and that he had until Sunday night to be out. He got very upset and brought up what I had told my counselor several weeks earlier saying that I would give the relationship a try. Well, I did try he was the one who wasn't trying. he asked me for our counselor's number and he called LuAnn at 12:30 at night. She talked to him for a while and then talked to me. She asked me what I wanted and I told her the same thing I told Nathan. She told me to tell him. That is when I looked at him and said, "Nathan, I don't love you. I don't want to be with you. There is more feeling when I kiss my brother. I want you out by Sunday night." He was very upset. He hung around the bar for while then he went home......