Pain....Gone Forever!
All alone
Sitting in a house
A house full
I hurt
Physically emotionally
No care no concern
My love seems worthless
My heart braking
Why am I so alone
Is all the pain worth it
My consideration unrequited
Why do I continue on
I'm not worth his time
He can do no wrong
I do all I can
Its still not enough
I must like the hurt
No that's not it
I want this pain gone
I can't cut it away
Someone will notice this time
But it feels so good
Such a release of the pain
Maybe it goes deep
Too deep this time
And it all goes away
Me gone forever No more pain no more hurt
For me
They can hurt
It will be their turn
Their turn to cry
To feel lonely
It will be their turn
To try to deal
Maybe then....
Then they will understand
Know the pain I feel
Maybe they will realize
Realize the pain they caused
My anguish my heartache
My unrequited compassion
My consideration my love
When they loose it all
Maybe just maybe
He will realize what
He had and know
Maybe he will appreciate
Cherish me but it will be to late
As I am already gone!
FOREVER I am no more!
Emptiness
Somewhere out there
Or rather in here
There is the girl
She is so happy
Happy in her world
The world where everyone smiles
A world of happiness and joy
O how I envy her
Her smiling face
He cheerful laugh
O how I wish to be her
Loving life
No fears
Not a care in the world
She has strength and optimism
I was that girl once
I pretend to be that girl
Some people believe
They say wow shes amazing
How does she do it
To keep on living her life
She talks like it didn't happen to her
But it did happen
It happened to me
No he didn't kill me
I still live and breathe
In the physical I'm alive
My heart beats
My lungs breathe
But I'm empty inside
He did kill though
He killed my spirit
My soul is gone
I hate my life
I hate myself
More with each passing day
How do they love this?
This hallow shell
Is it the act they love?
The person I pretend to be
It must be
No one could or would
Love the real me
I am a dark
Hallow empty shell
I am a pit of
Ugliness
No ones loves death
Darkness self pity
Self hatred
That is me
And nobody love the real me
NEVER
Just Like Me
You're beautiful
I hear that a lot
Do I believe my ears
No most definitely not
That's not what I see
The person in the mirror
She is not beautiful
She is fat
She is ugly
Ugly inside and out
She is scared and broken
Deformed and discarded
Used and abused
Unworthy and useless
She is hated and pitied
Forgotten and passed over
Who was that girl
Whats her name
O never mind it doesn't matter
It never did
It never will
Why do I try?
Nobody cares
Some people say they do
They even pretend
But if they really saw me
The ugly fat disgusting me
They would run
They would hate me just like I do.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Secret Jokes
I make mistakes
Yes, I am human
Some are huge
Some are very small
I don't need to be reminded
Reminded of them all
Some are not a joke
Most are not funny
It hurts when you laugh
You are supposed to be the one
The one who helps
Who loves and comforts
But your hurting me
You don't say your sorry
You put the blame off
Make it my fault
When I confide in you
You laugh and joke
It hurts
I want to share my life
But you joke
You tell it all
So secrets I will keep
Now and always
Locked away deep
Deep in my braking heart
Yes, I am human
Some are huge
Some are very small
I don't need to be reminded
Reminded of them all
Some are not a joke
Most are not funny
It hurts when you laugh
You are supposed to be the one
The one who helps
Who loves and comforts
But your hurting me
You don't say your sorry
You put the blame off
Make it my fault
When I confide in you
You laugh and joke
It hurts
I want to share my life
But you joke
You tell it all
So secrets I will keep
Now and always
Locked away deep
Deep in my braking heart
Monday, August 16, 2010
My Attack Part 3
Once we were inside I walked over to Tony, put my arms around him, and kissed him. He was acting weird so I asked him what was wrong. He told me he didn't know but he just had a weird feeling that we weren't alone. He went in and checked my bedroom. I went to check RyAnn's. Her door to her room is on the same wall as her closet. When I first looked in her closet I didn't see anything but then I thought that I cant see all the way in so I stepped in further into her room and looked. I saw Nathan's hand on his knee. He was sitting on her toy box like he was waiting for a bus. I just yelled, "What the hell!?!" He jumped out of the closet with about a 7 or 8 inch hunting and fishing knife. I saw the knife but it didn't register that he might use it on Tony or me. In the 2 1/2 years we were together he was never physical with me, it was all emotional and psychological abuse. I just kept telling him, "Get the hell out of my house!" He kept asking me why I lied to him. I asked him what I lied about. He asked if I had had sex with anyone since we had split up. I simply told him it was none of his business. He then went on to yelling at Tony and I both insisting that we had had sex the night before. We had not had sex and I told Nathan that. At that time Tony was in my bedroom with the door shut trying to call 911, but he dropped the call. He was in my bedroom which is the only room in the apartment that did not get cell service for some reason.
I continued to argue with Nathan. He punched me in the face and slammed me into the corner of the door frame of RyAnn's room. He slammed me hard enough that he caused a hairline fracture in my top vertebrae and at the base of my skull, which I didn't remember or even know about until almost a year later. In fighting him there was when I broke and dislocated the middle finger on my left hand and got a cut that was about an inch or so long on the back of my hand. As far as I can tell I lost conscienceness, because I don't know how I got from the door frame to the middle of RyAnn's floor with Nathan on top of me. And as hard as I was fighting him there is no way I let him get me into that position. The next thing I remember was Nathan on top of me stabbing me in the chest, but barely making contact and pulling back out. I realized he had missed where he was aiming and that he was actually going for my neck. He said to me,"I am going to fucking kill you, you fucking whore, and your spic boyfriend too, and I am going to get away with it too. I am fucking crazy cuz I haven't taken my meds in over a month." After that realization I grabbed the knife, the only part I could grab was the blade, and locked my elbow to keep the knife away from me. What damage I was doing to my had at that point didn't matter to me. All I could see in front of my eyes was my girls looking at me smiling, as if they were saying you can do it mom, we love you, be strong and fight. That is exactly what I did I fought for my life, for my girls, and to protect Tony. He also has a daughter that needs him and I knew that. Throughout all of this struggle, Tony kept coming out of the bedroom, trying to get Nathan off of me. Without any kind of weapon himself that was difficult. Every time he came out Nathan would try to go after him, but then come back to me. This turned out to work better than Tony thought. Between the struggle with the knife and Tony's distractions I was able to get my feet up underneath of Nathan and throw him across the room off of me. Nathan is very well aware that my legs are very strong. I think that is why he was sitting on me the way he was. When he flew across the room he hit the far wall leaving a bloody hand print on the wall. Once he regained his balance, he stood there in RyAnn's room looking at me for a minuet. I wasn't sure if he was going to leave or come back after me again. I just laid there looking right back at him. Nathan then walked calmly out of the room and went to my bedroom door where Tony was finally on the phone with the 911 dispatcher. Nathan yelled, "Stay the fuck away from my wife, you dirty fucking spic, or I will hunt you down and kill you!" He stabbed the knife through the door, making a final effort to get to Tony. he did so with such force I saw the top of the door, that had all of Tony's weight against it, bow out at the top so much that I could see in the room for a brief moment. Nathan turned aroun, looked at me, and said, "You just dont understand how much I love you, do you?" With that he turned and calmly walked out of the house.
I continued to argue with Nathan. He punched me in the face and slammed me into the corner of the door frame of RyAnn's room. He slammed me hard enough that he caused a hairline fracture in my top vertebrae and at the base of my skull, which I didn't remember or even know about until almost a year later. In fighting him there was when I broke and dislocated the middle finger on my left hand and got a cut that was about an inch or so long on the back of my hand. As far as I can tell I lost conscienceness, because I don't know how I got from the door frame to the middle of RyAnn's floor with Nathan on top of me. And as hard as I was fighting him there is no way I let him get me into that position. The next thing I remember was Nathan on top of me stabbing me in the chest, but barely making contact and pulling back out. I realized he had missed where he was aiming and that he was actually going for my neck. He said to me,"I am going to fucking kill you, you fucking whore, and your spic boyfriend too, and I am going to get away with it too. I am fucking crazy cuz I haven't taken my meds in over a month." After that realization I grabbed the knife, the only part I could grab was the blade, and locked my elbow to keep the knife away from me. What damage I was doing to my had at that point didn't matter to me. All I could see in front of my eyes was my girls looking at me smiling, as if they were saying you can do it mom, we love you, be strong and fight. That is exactly what I did I fought for my life, for my girls, and to protect Tony. He also has a daughter that needs him and I knew that. Throughout all of this struggle, Tony kept coming out of the bedroom, trying to get Nathan off of me. Without any kind of weapon himself that was difficult. Every time he came out Nathan would try to go after him, but then come back to me. This turned out to work better than Tony thought. Between the struggle with the knife and Tony's distractions I was able to get my feet up underneath of Nathan and throw him across the room off of me. Nathan is very well aware that my legs are very strong. I think that is why he was sitting on me the way he was. When he flew across the room he hit the far wall leaving a bloody hand print on the wall. Once he regained his balance, he stood there in RyAnn's room looking at me for a minuet. I wasn't sure if he was going to leave or come back after me again. I just laid there looking right back at him. Nathan then walked calmly out of the room and went to my bedroom door where Tony was finally on the phone with the 911 dispatcher. Nathan yelled, "Stay the fuck away from my wife, you dirty fucking spic, or I will hunt you down and kill you!" He stabbed the knife through the door, making a final effort to get to Tony. he did so with such force I saw the top of the door, that had all of Tony's weight against it, bow out at the top so much that I could see in the room for a brief moment. Nathan turned aroun, looked at me, and said, "You just dont understand how much I love you, do you?" With that he turned and calmly walked out of the house.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
My Attack Part 2
The next day I went shopping and got my haircut. I went on with my life as normal only a little happier because I didn't have him to bring me down. When my friend and I came home from shopping we started getting ready to go out for the night. He kept making comments about what I was wearing and how he didn't want me to wear it because he thought it was too revealing. As I am getting ready to walk out the door he told me I was not leaving the house wearing that shirt. I said, "yes I am and there is nothing you can do about it." He said, "I am going to take it off of you." "If you put one finger on me I will have you arrested," I replied. His response, "I make sure you cant call anyone now or ever again." That is when my friend spoke up, "I will kill you if you lay one hand on her." That is when he decided to back off and moved away from the door. He did follow us out side continuing to yell at me calling me a whore and a bar slut among other things. I just ignored him and left.
Saturday I slept in. That was when he went through my phone, changed his ring tone, and read all of my text messages. When I got up he was angry with me about my conversations I had had the night before with my friends in my text messages. I was upset the night before and confused and mad because I still cared about him. That afternoon after we fought I go get dressed and left. I came back home later that evening to get my stuff to go to Megan and John's to get ready to go out. That's when he told me he needed the car to take movies back in Ames. The car was almost out of gas. I put $5 in gas. He told me he would be back in an hour and he would call me to let me know that the car was back. Several hours later I hadn't heard from him so I called and his phone was off. I walked home to find that he had packed up a bunch of stuff and took off with the car and left a note. The note said that I could only have the car back if I sent him the $750 that he had paid for it. I was furious. I went back to the bar on the way I tried to call him repeatedly with no answer. I finally talked to him the next night. That is when I found out he had taken off and went to North Dakota. For the next several weeks he kept calling me and texting me trying to convince me to move to North Dakota to be with him. He just didn't want to grasp the concept of the fact that I did not want to be with him, I cannot move out of the state with my kids, and I did not want to move I liked my life just the way it was.
After several days of ignoring him the calls and texts quit. On March 17, Lacie called me and asked me if I wanted to ride with her to go get Nathan from Omaha. Instead of telling her what was really on my mind I told her I was in Ames with my sister, which I was. I really wanted ask her if she was out of her god forsaken mind. I just finally got him to quit pestering me and she wanted me to spend however many hours in a car with him. Hell no not a chance!!!
Knowing that he was back in town I was extra cautious. I kept my doors locked and blinds shut at all times. When I did leave I would leave my TV or something on to make it sound like I was home. I just had a feeling that he would be around. As it turns out, I was right. I now know that he was constantly following me watching everything that I do. He would come into my house when I was not home and go through my things. Apparently, he had a key that I didn't know about.
On March 22, my sister, Amber, came up from Des Moines to go out with me. John, Megan, Amber, and I went to Wilson's. At some point that day Amber invited Tony, her former roommate, that I had met about 6 months prior, to come up and go out with us. He was in Kansas City when we started texting him. He drove up here and that was the first time I had met him in person. Before that night we had only talked in text messages. Amber had been trying to set Tony and I up for most of those 6 months prior. When I met Tony I was instantly attracted to him. there was just something about him that told me that I absolutely must get to know this man. There was definitely a physical attraction there, but it was something much more than that. I don't believe in love at first sight but there was something close to it that night. We were sitting around the table, Amber text me, while I was rather shamelessly flirting with Tony, asking me to back off because she was interested in him. So, as her sister, I did just that. I was outside smoking when he went to his car. He noticed me out there so we started talking. He asked me why I all of a sudden acted like I was no longer interested in him. I explained it to him. He understood and things were going fine. We were just walking around and talking, when Amber called. She was freaking out on us because she just knew we were doing something besides walking around and talking. That is also when I found out she had been talking to Nathan the entire time we had been split up. She had been telling him everything I had been doing. I was beyond furious. When I got off the phone with her I turned and looked at Tony and said, "Fuck her! If she doesn't give a shit about my feelings I don't care about hers." From that point on, Tony and I were on our first date. We walked around and talked a little bit more. Then we went back to my house. We were sitting there just talking when Amber called again. The original plan was for her and her daughter to stay at my house that night. She had tried to guilt trip me by saying I was putting Brooke's life in danger by forcing her to drive home to Des Moines after she had been drinking. I had told her previously that they could still stay there. When she called that second time she had decided she was going to stay at my house. Tony left when she showed up. He went out the front door and walked around the block to avoid her. while he was walking he noticed someone was following him so he text me about it. I found a reason to leave. When I went outside he was across the street. He described the person that was following him, and I realized that my instincts had been right. Nathan was hanging around my apartment.
We walked up the street to John and Megan's house which is down town above one of the business. John and Megan were fighting heat night so I went over to cheer her up and talk to her. We ended up watching a movie. Nathan kept texting me while we were trying to watch the movie. I thought it was weird that every time Tony would cuddle up with me or kiss me or anything like that Nathan would text me. I later found out Nathan had broke into one of the businesses across the street and was sitting upstairs watching us all night long. Tony and I fell asleep around 6 a.m. Nathan then went into my house. Amber woke up and kinda freaked out he told her he was going to leave he just had to check something. For the longest time I could not figure out what he was checking. Finally, I realized that he was checking the box of condoms I had on my night stand. Yes, there were some missing but that didn't mean anything. I did not have sex with Tony that night.There was something about Tony that was different. I wanted to wait. I wanted to actually get to know him and build a real relationship first.
The next day, Nathan kept texting me and wanting me to call him. I kept blowing him off. Tony and I sat and talked all morning that morning. That morning Neil called me and asked if the custody agreement that we made the previous week was still good since Nathan and I were back together. I told him that we weren't back together. He told me that he assumed that because he saw him outside my house that morning when he went to Wal-Mart. All day long I kept having people call me and tell me that Nathan was either hanging around my house or walking around downtown near John and Megan's house. I just kind of blew it off as nothing.
Around 5:30 that night, John and Megan went to her parents house for a little bit. Shortly after they left John called me to tell me he saw Nathan headed towards my house. While I was talking to John, Nathan text me and wanted to know what I was doing now. That's when I told him I was going home to change my clothes, since I was still in the same clothes as the night before. Nathan kept trying to talk me out of going home. I went home anyway. I had left my house key under the welcome mat for John the night before since him and Megan were fighting in case he needed a place to stay. When I got there I couldn't find my house key so I went outside and called John since he had my spare key. I went and double checked before I had him bring it over and that is when I found it and went inside.......
Saturday I slept in. That was when he went through my phone, changed his ring tone, and read all of my text messages. When I got up he was angry with me about my conversations I had had the night before with my friends in my text messages. I was upset the night before and confused and mad because I still cared about him. That afternoon after we fought I go get dressed and left. I came back home later that evening to get my stuff to go to Megan and John's to get ready to go out. That's when he told me he needed the car to take movies back in Ames. The car was almost out of gas. I put $5 in gas. He told me he would be back in an hour and he would call me to let me know that the car was back. Several hours later I hadn't heard from him so I called and his phone was off. I walked home to find that he had packed up a bunch of stuff and took off with the car and left a note. The note said that I could only have the car back if I sent him the $750 that he had paid for it. I was furious. I went back to the bar on the way I tried to call him repeatedly with no answer. I finally talked to him the next night. That is when I found out he had taken off and went to North Dakota. For the next several weeks he kept calling me and texting me trying to convince me to move to North Dakota to be with him. He just didn't want to grasp the concept of the fact that I did not want to be with him, I cannot move out of the state with my kids, and I did not want to move I liked my life just the way it was.
After several days of ignoring him the calls and texts quit. On March 17, Lacie called me and asked me if I wanted to ride with her to go get Nathan from Omaha. Instead of telling her what was really on my mind I told her I was in Ames with my sister, which I was. I really wanted ask her if she was out of her god forsaken mind. I just finally got him to quit pestering me and she wanted me to spend however many hours in a car with him. Hell no not a chance!!!
Knowing that he was back in town I was extra cautious. I kept my doors locked and blinds shut at all times. When I did leave I would leave my TV or something on to make it sound like I was home. I just had a feeling that he would be around. As it turns out, I was right. I now know that he was constantly following me watching everything that I do. He would come into my house when I was not home and go through my things. Apparently, he had a key that I didn't know about.
On March 22, my sister, Amber, came up from Des Moines to go out with me. John, Megan, Amber, and I went to Wilson's. At some point that day Amber invited Tony, her former roommate, that I had met about 6 months prior, to come up and go out with us. He was in Kansas City when we started texting him. He drove up here and that was the first time I had met him in person. Before that night we had only talked in text messages. Amber had been trying to set Tony and I up for most of those 6 months prior. When I met Tony I was instantly attracted to him. there was just something about him that told me that I absolutely must get to know this man. There was definitely a physical attraction there, but it was something much more than that. I don't believe in love at first sight but there was something close to it that night. We were sitting around the table, Amber text me, while I was rather shamelessly flirting with Tony, asking me to back off because she was interested in him. So, as her sister, I did just that. I was outside smoking when he went to his car. He noticed me out there so we started talking. He asked me why I all of a sudden acted like I was no longer interested in him. I explained it to him. He understood and things were going fine. We were just walking around and talking, when Amber called. She was freaking out on us because she just knew we were doing something besides walking around and talking. That is also when I found out she had been talking to Nathan the entire time we had been split up. She had been telling him everything I had been doing. I was beyond furious. When I got off the phone with her I turned and looked at Tony and said, "Fuck her! If she doesn't give a shit about my feelings I don't care about hers." From that point on, Tony and I were on our first date. We walked around and talked a little bit more. Then we went back to my house. We were sitting there just talking when Amber called again. The original plan was for her and her daughter to stay at my house that night. She had tried to guilt trip me by saying I was putting Brooke's life in danger by forcing her to drive home to Des Moines after she had been drinking. I had told her previously that they could still stay there. When she called that second time she had decided she was going to stay at my house. Tony left when she showed up. He went out the front door and walked around the block to avoid her. while he was walking he noticed someone was following him so he text me about it. I found a reason to leave. When I went outside he was across the street. He described the person that was following him, and I realized that my instincts had been right. Nathan was hanging around my apartment.
We walked up the street to John and Megan's house which is down town above one of the business. John and Megan were fighting heat night so I went over to cheer her up and talk to her. We ended up watching a movie. Nathan kept texting me while we were trying to watch the movie. I thought it was weird that every time Tony would cuddle up with me or kiss me or anything like that Nathan would text me. I later found out Nathan had broke into one of the businesses across the street and was sitting upstairs watching us all night long. Tony and I fell asleep around 6 a.m. Nathan then went into my house. Amber woke up and kinda freaked out he told her he was going to leave he just had to check something. For the longest time I could not figure out what he was checking. Finally, I realized that he was checking the box of condoms I had on my night stand. Yes, there were some missing but that didn't mean anything. I did not have sex with Tony that night.There was something about Tony that was different. I wanted to wait. I wanted to actually get to know him and build a real relationship first.
The next day, Nathan kept texting me and wanting me to call him. I kept blowing him off. Tony and I sat and talked all morning that morning. That morning Neil called me and asked if the custody agreement that we made the previous week was still good since Nathan and I were back together. I told him that we weren't back together. He told me that he assumed that because he saw him outside my house that morning when he went to Wal-Mart. All day long I kept having people call me and tell me that Nathan was either hanging around my house or walking around downtown near John and Megan's house. I just kind of blew it off as nothing.
Around 5:30 that night, John and Megan went to her parents house for a little bit. Shortly after they left John called me to tell me he saw Nathan headed towards my house. While I was talking to John, Nathan text me and wanted to know what I was doing now. That's when I told him I was going home to change my clothes, since I was still in the same clothes as the night before. Nathan kept trying to talk me out of going home. I went home anyway. I had left my house key under the welcome mat for John the night before since him and Megan were fighting in case he needed a place to stay. When I got there I couldn't find my house key so I went outside and called John since he had my spare key. I went and double checked before I had him bring it over and that is when I found it and went inside.......
Monday, August 9, 2010
My Attack Part 1
Where to start? Well, I guess the beginning would be a good place to start. The beginning of what? The beginning of the relationship, the beginning of the end, or the beginning of the trauma that lead me to where I am now in my life? Well, I guess it all pretty well leads to where I am now and to understand how I got here one would need to know where I was before now, so the beginning of the relationship it is.
I met Nathan Phipps on August 29, 2006. I was 6 and a half months pregnant with my youngest daughter, RyAnn, at the time. Lacie introduced us because we both wanted to take the same guy out the following weekend. I made her a deal if she could find me a date for my cousins wedding then she could take Ian to the Dayton Rodeo. That is where Nathan and I's long and tumultuous relationship began.
Everything went pretty well for the first few months, or at least I thought at the time, but now looking back he began trying to control me from the beginning. Only a few weeks into the relationship he was trying to talk me out of getting my own place and into moving in with him so that we could spend all of our time together. He was having a problem with RyAnn's father going to the doctors appointments. He tried to make me choose between my best friend of almost 15 years and him. I told him that he wouldn't like my decision. My friends were there before him and they will be there after him if he wants to keep up that attitude. He was even trying to assert his control over the smallest little things like what king of cigarettes I smoked or what kind of pop I drank.
In mid-March of 2009 I found out that when Neil was late coming to the hospital when RyAnn was born Nathan kicked him out after I had already gone down for surgery to have RyAnn. That made me very angry and hurt that he would do something like that. He took something away from Neil that he would never get back and that was to be there for the birth of his oldest child. That, consequently, led to Neil thinking that RyAnn was not his child. Therefore, he all but abandoned her the first 16 months of her life. that, I have learned, was part of Nathans plan all along. His wife had left him and he wanted a new family. I had a ready made one for him with two kids of my own and wanting a third one eventually.
After RyAnn was born was when it started getting really bad. She was about a week old when Nathan went to the hospital for the surgery of his stepson. When he came home was when he told me that he wanted his wife back. He then began trying to convince me to call her and tell her that I had feelings for him but he did not feel the same way for me and that we had not been having sex. I could not bring myself to do that. I cared too much for him and as a woman I could not lie to her and make her believe there was nothing going on when there really was. This is the point, when looking back, that I should of walked away. There were so many other times before this that I should have but this is the one that really sticks out in my mind. Why didn't I? Well, amongst other reasons I didn't have anywhere for me and my one week old daughter to go. So, I stuck it out dealing with that, my baby blues, my oldest daughter living with my parents, my good friend going through her divorce, and just life in general.
Eventually, things started getting better. Nathan accepted the divorce, I started school, and he decided that he wanted to be "Daddy" to RyAnn, we got our own place, and he started getting visitation with his kids. I thought things were looking up in my life. Oh Boy was I wrong. The worst was only yet to come.
After three or so visits with his kids Crystal called and accused Nathan of molesting the kids. I didn't believe that he could do something like that or it could happen in my home under my own nose. Boy was I wrong. I didn't actually find out the full truth until much later after I called it quits with him for the final time.
We moved to Fort Dodge with Lacie's mom when we lost our duplex because Nathan refused to get a job. I was driving back and forth to school. The longer I was with Nathan the worse my grades were getting because he refused to leave me along and let me do my homework. All he could do is complain because I was spending too much time with my kids and my homework and not enough time with him.
That is when I finally decided enough is enough and when I got my fall financial aid I was going to buy Lacie's trailer from her and leave him. Everyone knew about it but him. However, when the time came to move I got soft and brought him with me because he had no where to go. Yet another mistake that I made and another time that I had fallen victim to his manipulation.
He swore again that things would change and that things would be different. Well, they were different, he got worse. I then began going to school full time, working full time, being a full time mom and "wife." I even had his friends that we were living with tell me to just say the word and they would kick him out. But I just couldn't do that because I thought I loved him and wanted to be with him. That is when I found out he was cheating on me with a girl he worked with. He was using RyAnn to do so. They were setting up "play-dates" and while the kids were playing they were in the next room having sex. I was so angry, hurt, crushed and numb all at the same time. Yet, I still stayed with him.....why, I do not know.
We then got our own place again...I was smart this time though I got the lease in only my name. I was getting to the point of it being over and I knew it. this was March of 2008. This was also around the time that he was diagnosed as Bi-Polar. that was something he continued to uses as an excuse and as a crutch to make people feel sorry for him. It didn't work with me though, I also have a mental disorder, depression, and I continued to live my life as a normal productive member of society and I felt that he should do the same. that was another source of fighting between us. We kept up the bickering and fighting all the way up until August when I had finally had enough and at Lacie and Jerads BBQ I just got up and walked home. I told him it was over and he needed to "pack his shit and get the fuck out."
Apparently he had trouble with this concept because it took him two days to do so. Every time I left he still wanted to know what I was doing and where I was going. I refused to tell him. He finally left, but that was not the end of things by far. He was very persistent he kept coming over and wanting to talk about things and try to fix things. I was also very persistent in the fact that it was over. But eventually I got sick of saying no and just gave in. During the time that we were split up I dated one guy briefly and that is also when I met Tony.
I began texting Tony about mid to the end of September. He was my sister, Amber's roommate. We talked off and on quite a bit for a while then Nathan managed to wear down my defenses and convinced me to let him back in. I told him that it would be his very last chance. And it was. Over the next several months I continued working and going to school. In January he decided he was going back to school as well. At the end of January when we got our financial aid refunds and tax returns we went shopping and moved into a bigger apartment. This is also when we bought a car from my friends Steve and Laurie. I had a very, we will call it, unintelligent moment. When I registered the car I put it in both of our names.
That brings us to the end of February, beginning of March when things finally got really bad. I had made my decision that it was over once and for all. I waited until RyAnn had left for the weekend to her Dad's, and that is when I was going to tell him that it was over and he had until Sunday night to get out, because I wanted him gone before she came home on Monday night. That is when I kinda started to chicken out. Then my friend Misty called and wanted me to come and hang out with her at the bar. So I said sure I'll change and be up there. I changed my shirt and hair sprayed my hair back out of my face and that is when Nathan began his jealousy. He told me I wasn't going and I said I was. That is when he proceeded to follow me to the bar. I then made the conscience decision to ignore him. And I told my friends what I had decided. He came up to me and asked me if he could have a drink. I told him he would have to talk to the bartender on that one because I was not the one making the drinks. He said he didn't have any money and wanted me to buy him one. I said nope sorry as far as I am concerned you are not here. A little while later I told him that we were done and that he had until Sunday night to be out. He got very upset and brought up what I had told my counselor several weeks earlier saying that I would give the relationship a try. Well, I did try he was the one who wasn't trying. he asked me for our counselor's number and he called LuAnn at 12:30 at night. She talked to him for a while and then talked to me. She asked me what I wanted and I told her the same thing I told Nathan. She told me to tell him. That is when I looked at him and said, "Nathan, I don't love you. I don't want to be with you. There is more feeling when I kiss my brother. I want you out by Sunday night." He was very upset. He hung around the bar for while then he went home......
I met Nathan Phipps on August 29, 2006. I was 6 and a half months pregnant with my youngest daughter, RyAnn, at the time. Lacie introduced us because we both wanted to take the same guy out the following weekend. I made her a deal if she could find me a date for my cousins wedding then she could take Ian to the Dayton Rodeo. That is where Nathan and I's long and tumultuous relationship began.
Everything went pretty well for the first few months, or at least I thought at the time, but now looking back he began trying to control me from the beginning. Only a few weeks into the relationship he was trying to talk me out of getting my own place and into moving in with him so that we could spend all of our time together. He was having a problem with RyAnn's father going to the doctors appointments. He tried to make me choose between my best friend of almost 15 years and him. I told him that he wouldn't like my decision. My friends were there before him and they will be there after him if he wants to keep up that attitude. He was even trying to assert his control over the smallest little things like what king of cigarettes I smoked or what kind of pop I drank.
In mid-March of 2009 I found out that when Neil was late coming to the hospital when RyAnn was born Nathan kicked him out after I had already gone down for surgery to have RyAnn. That made me very angry and hurt that he would do something like that. He took something away from Neil that he would never get back and that was to be there for the birth of his oldest child. That, consequently, led to Neil thinking that RyAnn was not his child. Therefore, he all but abandoned her the first 16 months of her life. that, I have learned, was part of Nathans plan all along. His wife had left him and he wanted a new family. I had a ready made one for him with two kids of my own and wanting a third one eventually.
After RyAnn was born was when it started getting really bad. She was about a week old when Nathan went to the hospital for the surgery of his stepson. When he came home was when he told me that he wanted his wife back. He then began trying to convince me to call her and tell her that I had feelings for him but he did not feel the same way for me and that we had not been having sex. I could not bring myself to do that. I cared too much for him and as a woman I could not lie to her and make her believe there was nothing going on when there really was. This is the point, when looking back, that I should of walked away. There were so many other times before this that I should have but this is the one that really sticks out in my mind. Why didn't I? Well, amongst other reasons I didn't have anywhere for me and my one week old daughter to go. So, I stuck it out dealing with that, my baby blues, my oldest daughter living with my parents, my good friend going through her divorce, and just life in general.
Eventually, things started getting better. Nathan accepted the divorce, I started school, and he decided that he wanted to be "Daddy" to RyAnn, we got our own place, and he started getting visitation with his kids. I thought things were looking up in my life. Oh Boy was I wrong. The worst was only yet to come.
After three or so visits with his kids Crystal called and accused Nathan of molesting the kids. I didn't believe that he could do something like that or it could happen in my home under my own nose. Boy was I wrong. I didn't actually find out the full truth until much later after I called it quits with him for the final time.
We moved to Fort Dodge with Lacie's mom when we lost our duplex because Nathan refused to get a job. I was driving back and forth to school. The longer I was with Nathan the worse my grades were getting because he refused to leave me along and let me do my homework. All he could do is complain because I was spending too much time with my kids and my homework and not enough time with him.
That is when I finally decided enough is enough and when I got my fall financial aid I was going to buy Lacie's trailer from her and leave him. Everyone knew about it but him. However, when the time came to move I got soft and brought him with me because he had no where to go. Yet another mistake that I made and another time that I had fallen victim to his manipulation.
He swore again that things would change and that things would be different. Well, they were different, he got worse. I then began going to school full time, working full time, being a full time mom and "wife." I even had his friends that we were living with tell me to just say the word and they would kick him out. But I just couldn't do that because I thought I loved him and wanted to be with him. That is when I found out he was cheating on me with a girl he worked with. He was using RyAnn to do so. They were setting up "play-dates" and while the kids were playing they were in the next room having sex. I was so angry, hurt, crushed and numb all at the same time. Yet, I still stayed with him.....why, I do not know.
We then got our own place again...I was smart this time though I got the lease in only my name. I was getting to the point of it being over and I knew it. this was March of 2008. This was also around the time that he was diagnosed as Bi-Polar. that was something he continued to uses as an excuse and as a crutch to make people feel sorry for him. It didn't work with me though, I also have a mental disorder, depression, and I continued to live my life as a normal productive member of society and I felt that he should do the same. that was another source of fighting between us. We kept up the bickering and fighting all the way up until August when I had finally had enough and at Lacie and Jerads BBQ I just got up and walked home. I told him it was over and he needed to "pack his shit and get the fuck out."
Apparently he had trouble with this concept because it took him two days to do so. Every time I left he still wanted to know what I was doing and where I was going. I refused to tell him. He finally left, but that was not the end of things by far. He was very persistent he kept coming over and wanting to talk about things and try to fix things. I was also very persistent in the fact that it was over. But eventually I got sick of saying no and just gave in. During the time that we were split up I dated one guy briefly and that is also when I met Tony.
I began texting Tony about mid to the end of September. He was my sister, Amber's roommate. We talked off and on quite a bit for a while then Nathan managed to wear down my defenses and convinced me to let him back in. I told him that it would be his very last chance. And it was. Over the next several months I continued working and going to school. In January he decided he was going back to school as well. At the end of January when we got our financial aid refunds and tax returns we went shopping and moved into a bigger apartment. This is also when we bought a car from my friends Steve and Laurie. I had a very, we will call it, unintelligent moment. When I registered the car I put it in both of our names.
That brings us to the end of February, beginning of March when things finally got really bad. I had made my decision that it was over once and for all. I waited until RyAnn had left for the weekend to her Dad's, and that is when I was going to tell him that it was over and he had until Sunday night to get out, because I wanted him gone before she came home on Monday night. That is when I kinda started to chicken out. Then my friend Misty called and wanted me to come and hang out with her at the bar. So I said sure I'll change and be up there. I changed my shirt and hair sprayed my hair back out of my face and that is when Nathan began his jealousy. He told me I wasn't going and I said I was. That is when he proceeded to follow me to the bar. I then made the conscience decision to ignore him. And I told my friends what I had decided. He came up to me and asked me if he could have a drink. I told him he would have to talk to the bartender on that one because I was not the one making the drinks. He said he didn't have any money and wanted me to buy him one. I said nope sorry as far as I am concerned you are not here. A little while later I told him that we were done and that he had until Sunday night to be out. He got very upset and brought up what I had told my counselor several weeks earlier saying that I would give the relationship a try. Well, I did try he was the one who wasn't trying. he asked me for our counselor's number and he called LuAnn at 12:30 at night. She talked to him for a while and then talked to me. She asked me what I wanted and I told her the same thing I told Nathan. She told me to tell him. That is when I looked at him and said, "Nathan, I don't love you. I don't want to be with you. There is more feeling when I kiss my brother. I want you out by Sunday night." He was very upset. He hung around the bar for while then he went home......
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Some Poetry
MAMA SAID
I keep on hearing it
Move on they say
Over and over
Why don't they understand
Its not that easy
I'd love to sleep tonite
A night without nightmares
I'd love to have a day
A tomorrow without fear
To wake up without pain
I want the scars gone
Physical and emotional
All gone
That will never be
I will wake up tonight
I will be scared
I will hurt
I am forever changed
Why did he pick me?
Why did he do it?
Just more answerless questions
Maybe someday I'll know
Maybe I will even heal
I can always have hope
I need to remember
All things happen for a reason
This too shall pass
And mama said there'd be days......
LOVE
What is love?
Is it unity?
Should you be yourself?
Or do you let someone mold you?
Change you?
Into someone your not?
They say change is good
What kind of change?
Complete change?
No change at all?
Where do you draw the line?
These are all questions
Questions in the mind
The mind of a healing woman.
DOMESTICATING DOMESTIC
Some days I wonder
I sit here and cry
Its been so long
Why does it still hurt
Hes locked up so far away
Some days
It feels like hes free
Free to hurt me over and over
Hes in my head
It plays on my fears
Some days I wish he would of won
Those days would be easier
They would not exist
I would not exist
Most days are good
I do love my life
I do love those in it
Having him in my head
It makes those days hard
They get so hard to enjoy
When that happens
I just wanna give up
The ghosts
They just won't go
I feel like hes really winning
The war keeps raging on
Through the pain
I keep fighting
This soldier
Though battered bruised and damaged
I own no white flag
There is not surrender
There is no loosing
I will fight to the death
This war is mine and only mine
I fight alone
I fight with help from my allies
It never goes away
I will enjoy my victories
I will continue on fighting
I am a mother
I am a daughter
I am a granddaughter
A sister, a niece, a girlfriend
I have many roles
Because of these roles I am a warrior
I AM A WARRIOR
ROLLER COASTER
Up and down
Twists and turns
Happy sad
Angry glad
What comes next
I don't know
When will it stop
When did it start
The pillow case
It broke a dam
It caused a flood
It was the blood
The blood never goes away
Like a tattoo in my brain
Throw it away
I can't bring myself to
If I destroy it will the ride end
Or is this just the start
When will I know
When do I get to control
I keep on hearing it
Move on they say
Over and over
Why don't they understand
Its not that easy
I'd love to sleep tonite
A night without nightmares
I'd love to have a day
A tomorrow without fear
To wake up without pain
I want the scars gone
Physical and emotional
All gone
That will never be
I will wake up tonight
I will be scared
I will hurt
I am forever changed
Why did he pick me?
Why did he do it?
Just more answerless questions
Maybe someday I'll know
Maybe I will even heal
I can always have hope
I need to remember
All things happen for a reason
This too shall pass
And mama said there'd be days......
LOVE
What is love?
Is it unity?
Should you be yourself?
Or do you let someone mold you?
Change you?
Into someone your not?
They say change is good
What kind of change?
Complete change?
No change at all?
Where do you draw the line?
These are all questions
Questions in the mind
The mind of a healing woman.
DOMESTICATING DOMESTIC
Some days I wonder
I sit here and cry
Its been so long
Why does it still hurt
Hes locked up so far away
Some days
It feels like hes free
Free to hurt me over and over
Hes in my head
It plays on my fears
Some days I wish he would of won
Those days would be easier
They would not exist
I would not exist
Most days are good
I do love my life
I do love those in it
Having him in my head
It makes those days hard
They get so hard to enjoy
When that happens
I just wanna give up
The ghosts
They just won't go
I feel like hes really winning
The war keeps raging on
Through the pain
I keep fighting
This soldier
Though battered bruised and damaged
I own no white flag
There is not surrender
There is no loosing
I will fight to the death
This war is mine and only mine
I fight alone
I fight with help from my allies
It never goes away
I will enjoy my victories
I will continue on fighting
I am a mother
I am a daughter
I am a granddaughter
A sister, a niece, a girlfriend
I have many roles
Because of these roles I am a warrior
I AM A WARRIOR
ROLLER COASTER
Up and down
Twists and turns
Happy sad
Angry glad
What comes next
I don't know
When will it stop
When did it start
The pillow case
It broke a dam
It caused a flood
It was the blood
The blood never goes away
Like a tattoo in my brain
Throw it away
I can't bring myself to
If I destroy it will the ride end
Or is this just the start
When will I know
When do I get to control
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Today Is a New Day
Today is a new day. Today well really at about 2 am I decided I need to get somethings out. It really seems to help me if I write or am actually telling a person about it so I thought this would be the perfect way to do that.
I decided that my title could not be more perfect. On March 22, 2009 I was attacked and stabbed in my chest by my ex boyfriend. He had broken into my home while I was gone and hid in my daughters closet. He then came at my date and I eventually stabbing me in the chest and to save my own life I grabbed the blade of the rather large hunting knife. As you can imagine that caused a great deal of physical and emotional damage. I am still on the long road to recovery. That is why I have titled it The Broken Girl Healing.
A lot of my posts will be just my own writings, poems and such. I am using this as a journal of sorts as well as maybe a useful tool for someone else in a domestic violence situation. I hope that this not only helps me but if nothing else entertains some people with my sometimes pointless ramblings of my crazy self.
I decided that my title could not be more perfect. On March 22, 2009 I was attacked and stabbed in my chest by my ex boyfriend. He had broken into my home while I was gone and hid in my daughters closet. He then came at my date and I eventually stabbing me in the chest and to save my own life I grabbed the blade of the rather large hunting knife. As you can imagine that caused a great deal of physical and emotional damage. I am still on the long road to recovery. That is why I have titled it The Broken Girl Healing.
A lot of my posts will be just my own writings, poems and such. I am using this as a journal of sorts as well as maybe a useful tool for someone else in a domestic violence situation. I hope that this not only helps me but if nothing else entertains some people with my sometimes pointless ramblings of my crazy self.
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