Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Back again...

Here I am back again....This time I am not in such great spirits. Feeling rather down actually. I have been rather stressed, no scratch that...too passive. I am stressed the fuck out!!! I hate feeling like this. I feel like everything is going to come crashing down at any minute. I am easily irritated and frustrated. My anxiety is through the damn roof. I am trying to keep a positive outlook on life but it is so hard when I feel like everywhere I turn I run into a brick wall with a sign that says nice try but you fail asshole. That's really what I feel like I am doing, just failing. I have come to the conclusion that I just suck at life. I feel like a failure as a mom, wife, daughter, friend, sister, lover, human being.

I am going back into counseling. I have had my evaluation. I got told yet again that I have PTSD....oh big surprise there. The Psychiatrist added Seroquel XR to my list of prescriptions. I took it for the first time tonight. From what I understand I will either really love it or really hate it. I took it over an hour ago and I am still feeling the same panic/anxiety attack I have been feeling all afternoon. I really hope this helps. I am sick of being an angry, irritable, scared bitch all the time. I am sure I am not the only one who is sick of me being this way. Everything irritates me and I get bored with things so quickly.  The things I used to love are now more just meh ok. I dont like that. I hope this counselor can help.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

It's Been A While.

So I realized it has been a while since I have blogged. I just recently realized that it has been almost 4 years since my attack. March 22 will be 4 years since my life changed forever, and consequently the lives of everyone around me. I have come so far since then. I have been through A LOT of therapy. I have finally found and married the love of my life, my soul mate.

I have done some reflecting lately. I have looked at how much my life has changed and how far I have come since that day. I have done some looking back at my life and where I have been and where I want to go. I have realized, there are some things from my past that I thought I had dealt with that I have just stuffed down inside me and ignored.

These things have brought me back here. I have looked back at all the relationships in my adult life and realized how they have formed me and my views on most things in life. It has really opened my eyes. 

Friday, March 18, 2011

A bad day.

Today has been what they would call a "bad day" so I have been writting and this is what I have come up with so far....
                                                                 Sasha's Story


It’s been almost two years, she thought to herself as she sat in her bed.  Why won’t this feeling just go away? Sasha sat there thinking back. She knew that these feelings were never going to go away. She knows that she won. She is still alive, and he is in prison. Not for long enough though.  The mere idea of him being released from prison rocks her to her core. The fear of seeing him again face to face makes her tremble knowing that it will happen again. He will come for her. He will not stop until one of them is dead. She knows what she will have to do when that time comes. Sasha questions herself frequently, “Am I really strong enough to do what needs to be done? Is my life and the lives of my family a strong enough drive? Have I really won living in this emotional rollercoaster that is my life?”

She had another dream last night. This one was not the normal dream she has had in the recent past. This one left her wondering who won. When it came to him it was all about who wins and who losses more so since the attack than it ever was in their relationship. The normal dreams as of late were ones where she clearly won. She lived and he died. This one has her truly rattled. She plays it over and over in her head. Her dreams about him are always vivid and she remembers every detail from beginning to end. As she is trying to understand it she lies down in her darkened room in her warm bed and pulls the big thick comforter up to her chin and lets it all go….

Sasha wakes up realizing that her shirt is pulled up and she feels this incredible pain in her stomach. As she tries to sit up to see what is wrong the pain is too much and she can’t. She then turns and looks at Brad and sees that he is bleeding. She screams and it wakes him up. Then she sees it….the knife, the one that the police never found the one that George used in the attack. She screams again. Brad looks over and sees the blood. They are both covered and the bed is soaked in it. Neither one of them can get up because of the pain. She is sobbing uncontrollably, because she knows he was there. Is he still there? How did he find them? Where was he now? Is he coming back? All of these questions swarming in her head. Brad calls out for help. No one hears him.

Sasha musters the strength to roll off the bed and get her phone and calls the police. They come and take Brad and Sasha to the hospital. Once the blood is cleaned up they realize George was there to leave a message and he did it in their flesh. Across Sasha’s stomach was carved “Georgie’s” and across Brad’s chest and stomach was carved “She’s mine til death.” She was terrified. Her thoughts and fears were confirmed. He was there, but how. Once this discovery was made, they locked down the hospital. No one was allowed in or out without identification.

The police were baffled. George was supposed to be in prison for 17 years at least. They called the prison where George was to be. They did a physical check to see if he was there. George had escaped! Sometime during the night he had made his way through the ventilation and sewer and escaped the prison. He then made a 67 mile trek to the town Sasha lived in. After recovering the knife that he had hidden almost two years prior he found her house and crept inside. He wasn’t going to just kill her. No, that would be too easy. He wouldn’t be able to see the fear in her eyes, and she wasn’t alone.

When he entered the room he could smell the alcohol on them. He knew Sasha and true to form she had been out celebrating the holiday the night before. They were both passed out. He knew she would not be alone. He had heard that she was engaged and living with Brad. As he crept to the bedside he had the two chloroform soaked rags prepared. He began with Brad. He gently covered Brad’s nose and mouth with the rag to ensure that he would not wake up.  When he was certain it had taken effect George calmly and deliberately carved the message into Brad’s chest to stake his claim. He was careful to carve just deep enough to scar but not deep enough to kill him. After all, Brad was not the one he blamed. George blamed Sasha. She was a harlot that was just after the next best thing. None the less she was George’s and she had told him that she would be forever. George told her that she would not get out of their relationship unless it was in a body bag and he meant it.

He moved around the bed slowly as to not alert anyone. He then covered Sasha’s face with the second rag, and began his work. With a big smile he staked his claim. She had always called him Georgie as a term of endearment. So he only found it fitting that his message to her be simply that. A reminder of what she promised and to whom she promised. He wished that he could be there when they woke to see the look of horror on their faces and to simply see the reaction. He knew that would be too dangerous for him. If he stuck around he would almost surely be caught before he could fulfill his promise to her. Before he left he bent down and lovingly kissed her on the forehead and said, “I love you, Sasha. Someday you will understand just how much.”

The police continued to look for him. Sasha, once recovered, started her own search. She left with her gun in her belt. She knew the time had come it was her or him, and she was going to be God damned if he was going to win the final showdown.  She hoped beyond hope that she found him first and that he gave her the reason she needed to end it once and for all.

She started with all of George’s old friends and acquaintances. Some were sincere and understood her plight. Others wanted no part in any of it. They had written her and George off quite some time ago. Sasha found that she did have a few true alliances one being George’s former best friend, Frank.
Frank was someone whom Sasha had originally thought was an enemy. After the attack, Sasha and Frank’s wife fought about what Sasha felt was Frank’s involvement in the attack. Eventually, Frank and Sasha talked and worked things out. She found out that Frank really had no involvement and was just an innocent bystander in the whole episode.

George had been writing to Frank from prison but he refused to respond to George. There was enough information in the letters that Sasha could deduce where he might be. Before she left Frank and Betty’s house Frank stopped her. He took her by the hands and looked her square in the eyes and said, “Do what you need to do. Don’t stop until it’s done and if you need anything at all just call. Day or night I don’t care when, we will be there.” She thanked them both and bid them a teary eyed good bye.

She then went to Rebecca’s house. She was the friend that had introduced Sasha and George. Rebecca and George had been friends since she was a child. Sasha sat down and told Rebecca the whole story, and showed her the scar. Rebecca was in tears. She didn’t know what to say or do. She called her husband Bob home from work. Rebecca was terrified that George would come there. When Bob came home and heard the whole story he was enraged. He supported Sasha much the same way that Frank did. Rebecca was torn. She was angry and terrified but still torn. She loved Sasha very much and loved George as well.

Sasha’s next stop was going to be a difficult one. She knew that she had to face the very real fact that he could b right down the street at his parent’s house. That was where she went.

She parked her car down the block, and checked her gun before she got out of the car. Her gun was loaded and holstered to her belt under her leather jacket. She sat there for a moment trying to calm herself and pep talk herself into what was about to happen. Just as she reached for the door handle her phone rang. It was the police detective that was on her case. He was just calling to see how she was doing, and to see if she had 
heard any news.

 Detective Brand had known Sasha for many years and knew that she would not sit idly by and wait for something to happen.  He already knew without any substantiated proof that she was actively pursuing George and that she would not stop until he was found. What he didn’t know was that she hoped and prayed that he would give her justified reason to shoot to kill. They had a short conversation with Sasha telling Brand that she didn’t know anything new and she promised that she wouldn’t do anything stupid or that she might regret in the future. She had no intentions of regretting anything that she was about to do or what she hoped would happen. With that she got out of the car and made her way to George’s parent’s home.

She walked up on to the front porch and knocked on the door. She could hear the sound of the dogs barking and out of the corner of her eye she saw someone peeking at her through the blinds in the living room. Just as Sasha was about to turn around and walk away the front door opened, and there stood the angry mean little woman that was George’s mother, Jan. Sasha asked if she had seen George. Jan was a bit hesitant. Sasha could tell she was unsure what her intentions were. So Sasha let out with how sorry she was for leaving him and how much she loved him and missed him. By the time Sasha was done she had Jan convinced that she truly loved George and wanted him back. That is when Jan told her that he had been there but he was out and would return later that night. Sasha decided that she would be waiting for him when he returned. Sasha pulled out a piece of paper and a pen and wrote a not for George. “Sorry I missed you. I hope that we can meet up again really soon.” She left the note with Jan and left.




Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Just a thought

Live and learn
love and burn
Happy and sad
Laugh and cry
The good with the bad

Why does there have to be a bad
Why can't a person just be happy
I thought it was supposed to happily ever after
When I am happy in love
Why cant I be happy everywhere else

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Dark Poetry

Pain....Gone Forever!


All alone
Sitting in a house
A house full
I hurt
Physically emotionally
No care no concern
My love seems worthless
My heart braking
Why am I so alone
Is all the pain worth it
My consideration unrequited
Why do I continue on
I'm not worth his time
He can do no wrong
I do all I can
Its still not enough
I must like the hurt
No that's not it
I want this pain gone
I can't cut it away
Someone will notice this time
But it feels so good
Such a release of the pain
Maybe it goes deep
Too deep this time
And it all goes away
Me gone forever No more pain no more hurt
For me
They can hurt
It will be their turn
Their turn to cry
To feel lonely
It will be their turn
To try to deal
Maybe then....
Then they will understand
Know the pain I feel
Maybe they will realize
Realize the pain they caused
My anguish my heartache
My unrequited compassion
My consideration my love
When they loose it all
Maybe just maybe
He will realize what
He had and know
Maybe he will appreciate
Cherish me but it will be to late
As I am already gone!
FOREVER I am no more!



Emptiness


Somewhere out there
Or rather in here
There is the girl
She is so happy
Happy in her world
The world where everyone smiles
A world of happiness and joy
O how I envy her
Her smiling face
He cheerful laugh
O how I wish to be her
Loving life
No fears
Not a care in the world
She has strength and optimism
I was that girl once
I pretend to be that girl
Some people believe
They say wow shes amazing
How does she do it
To keep on living her life
She talks like it didn't happen to her
But it did happen
It happened to me
No he didn't kill me
I still live and breathe
In the physical I'm alive
My heart beats
My lungs breathe
But I'm empty inside
He did kill though
He killed my spirit
My soul is gone
I hate my life
I hate myself
More with each passing day
How do they love this?
This hallow shell
Is it the act they love?
The person I pretend to be
It must be
No one could or would
Love the real me
I am a dark
Hallow empty shell
I am a pit of
Ugliness
No ones loves death
Darkness self pity
Self hatred
That is me
And nobody love the real me
NEVER



Just Like Me

You're beautiful
I hear that a lot
Do I believe my ears
No most definitely not
That's not what I see
The person in the mirror
She is not beautiful
She is fat
She is ugly
Ugly inside and out
She is scared and broken
Deformed and discarded
Used and abused
Unworthy and useless
She is hated and pitied
Forgotten and passed over
Who was that girl
Whats her name
O never mind it doesn't matter
It never did
It never will
Why do I try?
Nobody cares
Some people say they do
They even pretend
But if they really saw me
The ugly fat disgusting me
They would run
They would hate me just like I do.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Secret Jokes

I make mistakes
Yes, I am human
Some are huge
Some are very small
I don't need to be reminded
Reminded of them all
Some are not a joke
Most are not funny
It hurts when you laugh
You are supposed to be the one
The one who helps
Who loves and comforts
But your hurting me
You don't say your sorry
You put the blame off
Make it my fault
When I confide in you
You laugh and joke
It hurts
I want to share my life
But you joke
You tell it all
So secrets I will keep
Now and always
Locked away deep
Deep in my braking heart

Monday, August 16, 2010

My Attack Part 3

Once we were inside I walked over to Tony, put my arms around him, and kissed him. He was acting weird so I asked him what was wrong. He told me he didn't know but he just had a weird feeling that we weren't alone. He went in and checked my bedroom. I went to check RyAnn's. Her door to her room is on the same wall as her closet. When I first looked in her closet I didn't see anything but then I thought that I cant see all the way in so I stepped in further into her room and looked. I saw Nathan's hand on his knee. He was sitting on her toy box like he was waiting for a bus. I just yelled, "What the hell!?!" He jumped out of the closet with about a 7 or 8 inch hunting and fishing knife. I saw the knife but it didn't register that he might use it on Tony or me. In the 2 1/2 years we were together he was never physical with me, it was all emotional and psychological abuse. I just kept telling him, "Get the hell out of my house!" He kept asking me why I lied to him. I asked him what I lied about. He asked if I had had sex with anyone since we had split up. I simply told him it was none of his business. He then went on to yelling at Tony and I both insisting that we had had sex the night before. We had not had sex and I told Nathan that. At that time Tony was in my bedroom with the door shut trying to call 911, but he dropped the call. He was in my bedroom which is the only room in the apartment that did not get cell service for some reason.


I continued to argue with Nathan. He punched me in the face and slammed me into the corner of the door frame of RyAnn's room. He slammed me hard enough that he caused a hairline fracture in my top vertebrae and at the base of my skull, which I didn't remember or even know about until almost a year later. In fighting him there was when I broke and dislocated the middle finger on my left hand and got a cut that was about an inch or so long on the back of my hand. As far as I can tell I lost conscienceness, because I don't know how I got from the door frame to the middle of RyAnn's floor with Nathan on top of me. And as hard as I was fighting him there is no way I let him get me into that position. The next thing I remember was Nathan on top of me stabbing me in the chest, but barely making contact and pulling back out. I realized he had missed where he was aiming and that he was actually going for my neck. He said to me,"I am going to fucking kill you, you fucking whore, and your spic boyfriend too, and I am going to get away with it too. I am fucking crazy cuz I haven't taken my meds in over a month." After that realization I grabbed the knife, the only part I could grab was the blade, and locked my elbow to keep the knife away from me. What damage I was doing to my had at that point didn't matter to me. All I could see in front of my eyes was my girls looking at me smiling, as if they were saying you can do it mom, we love you, be strong and fight. That is exactly what I did I fought for my life, for my girls, and to protect Tony. He also has a daughter that needs him and I knew that. Throughout all of this struggle, Tony kept coming out of the bedroom, trying to get Nathan off of me. Without any kind of weapon himself that was difficult. Every time he came out Nathan would try to go after him, but then come back to me. This turned out to work better than Tony thought. Between the struggle with the knife and Tony's distractions I was able to get my feet up underneath of Nathan and throw him across the room off of me. Nathan is very well aware that my legs are very strong. I think that is why he was sitting on me the way he was. When he flew across the room he hit the far wall leaving a bloody hand print on the wall. Once he regained his balance, he stood there in RyAnn's room looking at me for a minuet. I wasn't sure if he was going to leave or come back after me again. I just laid there looking right back at him. Nathan then walked calmly out of the room and went to my bedroom door where Tony was finally on the phone with the 911 dispatcher. Nathan yelled, "Stay the fuck away from my wife, you dirty fucking spic, or I will hunt you down and kill you!" He stabbed the knife through the door, making a final effort to get to Tony. he did so with such force I saw the top of the door, that had all of Tony's weight against it, bow out at the top so much that I could see in the room for a brief moment. Nathan turned aroun, looked at me, and said, "You just dont understand how much I love you, do you?" With that he turned and calmly walked out of the house.